right now i am sitting in my backyard, enjoying the breezes and chirpy birds...and the brief break from the girls.  elise was in the mini musical at the elementary school this evening.  she was one of the few fourth graders chosen to sing in the chorus.  she was so proud of herself and did an excellent job.  don joined us (slightly awkward) and offered to take the girls to dinner after the show.

in the past 4 months or so i have seen a steady decline in kaely's behavior, which has inevitably caused a decline in elise and lilli.  not good times.  we progressed from sullen, albeit typical pre-teen shenanigans to outbursts of temper and anger.  lilli's behavior at school was poor enough that her teacher and i had to work out a plan.  in january, i thought i knew the source of the hostility and anger.  the girls told me how their dad told them that i was at fault for the divorce, that i pushed him away, and that i deserved it (to struggle).  there were other things, too, but i've worked hard to forget them.  it all was very painful and tore at the healing wounds on my soul.  but i was happy because i thought we were going to get somewhere from that.

in february don moved back to charlotte with no conversation or warning.  he just showed up and expected to fully participate in our daily lives as though he hadn't abandoned us 3 ish years ago.  the occasional angry outburst from kaely turned into an almost daily occurrence.  she would fly into a screaming rage with no warning.  she threw things.  she broke things.  she caused the cats to slink around on their bellies with all of her screeching and wailing.  she slammed her door to the extent that i removed it from its hinges.  she challenged my every statement and criticized my every move and flat out disobeyed me regularly.  she tried to run away.  her grades slipped.  i couldn't really take them anywhere or do anything with them because i never knew when it would start.  most days were fine, but any time the girls (and kaely especially) felt that my attention might not be available when they wanted it, the fits and fighting would start.  my counselor said it may get bad enough that i would have to call the police.  that there needed to be some basic ground rules: 1) put your hands on me and i call the police 2) break stuff and i call the police 3) scream for more than 20 minutes and i call the paramedics.  a lifetime of protecting my kids and now i need protection from them.

kaely started seeing a counselor about 6 weeks ago.  and then she threw a granola bar at my face while i was driving her to school.  she was mad at me because i didn't praise her when she felt i should have.  i'm thankful i didn't wreck the car.  i don't remember getting the rest of the way to the school.  we talked to the school resource officer that day.  she apologized, but she always does...until the next time.

i began to dread the weekends or any time alone with the girls...even though that was my time to be with the sweetest man in the world.  it's hard to enjoy much of anything when your precious blessings treat you like garbage.  i took don up on any offer to take the girls, knowing that in the end, it will only make things worse.  he took it as a sign of weakness and pushed for more control of my life again.  he started signing kaely out of school during the middle of the day to take her to lunch and shopping.  he ate lunch in the cafeteria of the elementary school and had the girls use their lunch money to buy his lunch.  he frequently asked to pick the girls up from school, and i just as frequently denied that request.  he doesn't do well with the answer "no".  one afternoon he texted that he was going to pick them up and i just needed to tell my driver not to get them.  i made sure that everyone responsible for the girls had a copy of the custody order.  kaely continued to see her counselor and he very bluntly told me that i had two choices: lay down and take it (from kaely and her father) or stand up to them.

the day of lilli's tonsillectomy, as i am talking to the surgeon in pre-op, the school calls...and calls...and calls.  and don texts and wants to know why he can't sign elise out of school.  as soon as the surgeon was done, i called the school back and had to speak to him (and explain that the children need to be in school during school time) and the acting principal (and apologize and, again, explain why i want my kids in school).  i also had to call my mother because they called her when they couldn't get me.  during that whole thing, he never asked about his daughter who was about to have surgery.

kaely's counselor feels that he knows what is wrong with kaely and causing all of her issues.  he has referred us to another place and they also agree.  to respect kaely's privacy, i will leave the diagnosis out.  more appointments are in our future.  this therapy involves me, so i now have to find someone to regularly watch the younger two.

add that to all the ridiculous drama that comes from working with women and all i want to do is give up...lay down and quit.  i know it will get better, but right now i lack the motivation to see it through...